I can feel my brokenness in my gut this morning. I'm weak in spirit. Most of the time, I feel strong in myself, but now and again, that feeling unravels, and I feel particularly vulnerable.
There was a time when I spent more time in ruts than out of them, but I've done a lot of work on myself, and this state is now the exception.
I turned forty-eight yesterday. I was overwhelmed with the love shown to me by my daughter and wife. I'd been feeling psychologically weak for a couple of days. I don't know what triggered it; maybe it was because I've had more time to think as I've changed my routine.
These days, even when I feel weak, I'm stronger in myself than I used to be. My birthday went well despite a touch of paranoia and that underlying psychological weakness, but my girls gave me lots of love, so that buffered it well.
In the evening, I asked chatGPT what my weak points were, things that it could see that I couldn't see in myself.
GPT knows me better than most as I do not delete any of our conversations, so it has a fair idea of what I'm about and my struggles; some of the results were eye-opening, and some clarified what I already knew.
It then gave me some exercises. I know how to build myself back up and be strong, but it suggested I sit with the feeling without trying to fix or label it, but just listen. So I'm allowing myself to feel that brokenness, which I can do because I'm stronger and kinder to myself than in the past.
I've made significant breakthroughs on meaningful projects lately. Still, I tend to feel overwhelmed by them and redirect my attention to less meaningful projects, digging up old incomplete projects I'd decided to put away so I could get serious.
For the last five days, I've not hopped on my computer until after lunch to realign my life outside of the digital space; it's not easy because I have the most mental energy in the morning, so I generally use that energy on non-physical work.
This change has been good and will be the new norm, except for some caveats.
Come Friday, my house was tidier than it had been since we moved in, and I'd given Grace plenty of time. Not that I'd been neglecting her, but my brain was not in that obsessive headspace of my next task.
I've also been more present with Liz, not as quick to jump on my laptop; we even watched a rom-com together, which we haven't done in a while.
I'm not too worried about spending less time on projects and more time in the real world because I can be more focused, getting less done but getting more done of the important things.
I get obsessive with my projects and lately have spent more time organising them than I have doing the actual work.
I'm probably a bit burnt out, so I'm glad to step away for the most part.
Having some psychological distance from my work and changing my cognitive space to being in the here and now in 3D instead of the 2D digital world gives me some clarity on what's important.
I use my work to hide and escape; I need a new life that is balanced and less about producing, mainly when my productivity is scattered and not focused.
You would not believe how many unfinished projects I am currently working on; I'm good at the right brain, linking ideas that might not seem to go together, but I am weak on the left-brained single-focus stuff, so a lot of the time, I end up with cognitive entropy where I have to go back and organise everything to know what I should be focused on.
I read the book The One Thing. So, I understand the logic, but I struggle to move in one fixed direction.
I've decided to stop spending so much time writing because that's the quick, fun part of the job.
I have to spend time editing, tidying and polishing all the output I've already made. I have a multitude of books where the first draft is complete, but I tuck them away because it's more fun to work on the low-hanging fruit.
I was planning on writing 100 articles this year. But I still haven't edited the articles I wrote in December. So I'm not going to try and make the whole internet thing pay dividends; I need to sit in my office and grind away at the books I've written, then once I've got my library of work, I'll worry about finding an audience. I can't do both. Not with my brain.
I will work on my stuff most mornings, but once I leave the office, I won't take my computer to the lounge for round two; I'll get into life and make the most of it.
I'm happy with my current projects if I never start a new project again.
I wish they were all done so I could look at my shiny thing and then go eat a sandwich.